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Freedom (cont) [Nov. 25th, 2013|09:06 pm]
beyond control
Freedom by itself is such a rush and I want to have access to it forever, through the people I meet and places I go and pleasures I pursue and choices I make.

But independently of social conscious and structured intellectual application it has no morality.

Morality interests me.

Heaven knows why.

Guilt, perhaps.

And also a vague understanding that the freedom I experience now comes from the sweat and generosity of others.


That's not it.

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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2013|08:54 pm]
beyond control
I am free

Free free free

Free from so many of the forces that bind so many

Currently I am free to run a bath and charge my phone

Love freedom
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2013|03:32 am]
beyond control
One of the many admirable traits of Paolo Sorrentino's The Great Beauty is it laughs at no one while poking fun at everyone. Orietta (Isabella Ferrari) is a minor character, a rich beauty who appears at one of Jep's evening soirees and who he takes to bed although as Orietta points out "it didn't seem like you really cared". Such is life when you're used to winning. In a direct and confessional mood, Orietta tells her worldly bed-fellow about her habit of photographing herself constantly every day "to get to know myself". She asks if he'd like to see some of the photos. He accedes but is then gone before she gets back with her glowing MacBook.

It is ridiculous to get to know yourself through the shallow medium of the selfie. So why have I got this affliction as badly as Orietta?

Getting close to something good and rich and meaningful yet still encumbered with habits of the uninspired.


Here's the trailer for The Great Beauty. Can't recommend it enough.

It = both trailer and film.

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(no subject) [Aug. 26th, 2013|04:33 pm]
beyond control
This is turning into something of a lost weekend.
Loving it.
But hate having work hanging over me.
Find a way to turn it into play...
Creativity is intelligence having fun.
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(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2013|06:25 pm]
beyond control
I am addicted to the surface of things... it goes for myself, for others and for objects.

Depth perception as a daily feature is in short supply. Being a thinking being, insights and observations do come and I am prone to slipping down into myself but I do not like depths. I like their weighty surface transmissions.

What is hidden is not real until it has an outlet.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2013|04:43 am]
beyond control
I don't want to be overdramatic but this week has moved me forward more than any week previously. Sex, money, work, wisdom. Everything, everywhere.

I am here, I am real, I can have it all if I let myself be smart.

I'm going to take more codeine. The excitement is too, too much.
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(no subject) [Jun. 17th, 2013|12:34 am]
beyond control
I can't find my nail scissors and my toe might be broken and I posted a too self-deprecating comment on a picture of myself on Facebook.

Fair enough... for an 18-year-old. I'm 28.

This is what happens when you feed years into the brain chipper that is mental disorder. My relative recovery loses lustre in contrast with people who instinctively went straight and now, while younger than me, are better than me.

I can't even lavishly compliment them simultaneously educating them about my life... yet.

It wouldn't cross their mind that I lived how I did. Debilitating bulimia is off the map for the well-adjusted.

But what's real for everyone is sexual attraction and something fascinating if minute happened tonight.
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(no subject) [Jun. 8th, 2013|12:29 am]
beyond control
Success is the best revenge.
Rightness is the best cure for wrongness.

That's all I got.
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2013|03:49 am]
beyond control
When I moved into this room 6 months ago it was empty and clean, like my insides, which had been exhaustively purged via Rohne.

That's not a new brand of laxative, but the hunky, hulky South African who I would have loved had he not fallen back in with his ex. The extraordinary feeling of lacking that bursted and ballooned within subsequent to that revelation carried with it the consolation prize of a need to act on and improve my environment.

This is not an urge that captivates me today. Hence my room is a tip and I barely care. I try to care. it just doesn't matter like it did when I was heartbroken.
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2013|12:56 am]
beyond control
I used to see ambition as a negative force to be avoided. Now it seems fine as long as it's balanced. So if I want to do better professionally I should try equally hard in my personal life.

When you think about it there is nothing to fear. People often say the more you have the more you can lose but I'm not scared of chaos or nothingness. That is where I come from and where I'll go back to. Same with all of you.

In the meantime, it's a good idea to make maximum sense, a feeling that comes from organisation built on organisation built on heart.

Demons are the feelings and behaviours that lead to nonsense, at least to me now armed with my new ambitions.
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