| day 1 of having a boyfriend |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|03:31 am] |
Just had the nicest sex ever although by the time we'd finished, he was asleep. Ahahahaha. I then had a naked man sprawled on the rug of my lounge as if we were shooting lady chatterly's lover...i must start trying harder and stop with the grim hole-poking. he is a wonderful person who pays for everything, is gorgeous, showers me with compliments and is funny. I should be searching for ways to make this even more wonderful instead of analysing how he's insincere and why it's going to fuck up.
we also went to a mexican restuarant this evening which was nice and by nice i mean really weird. the glorification of calories is tedious to me. as is the well-behaved, grown-up air that pervades and that i join in with. as is the servile behaviour of all waiters. the whole set-up just screams money versus lack of money which isn't particularly true. it's just the set up
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| Lessons learned (constant) |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|12:17 pm] |
*Be nice- even in jest
*Be forthright in lust
*Don't act or speak in anger. Ask loose questions around the subject until the anger is deftly diffused
*Respond well to the humour of others
*Never ask Abby about sensitive issues.
*Be generally cautious about whose opinions I ask for on my writing.
*Don't be the twat that makes a big deal out of their creativity.
*Don't expect too much from WK nights out. We are all so different.
*Don't do things to embarrass myself in front of people just because I think I shouldn't be embarrassed.
*Be steeled for rejection when attempting to blag
*When emailing people I want to make a good impression on, make sure to carefully proofread. Don't send in a hurry - particularly if I have edited the meaning at any point
*Don't ask my friends for their opinion on men I date. It's about what I see in them.
*Don't talk about how I feel about my Mum being ill unless I really need to. The only personal subjects I should talk about on a regular basis are amusing ones and brain tumours are not intrinsically funny.
*Don't be coarse or uncool socially just because I happen to be getting lucky. Discussions with close friends and this diary can be used to make sense of new situations
*Look elsewhere
*Remember that I scrub up well
*Don't turn things that contain water upside down
*Hold a LITTLE bit back with guys because that little bit is my sanity
*I can't do Mondays. My week starts on Tuesdays
* When people ask a question, provide a thoughtful answer not a semi-related anecdote - no matter how humourous. This the way to integration |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|02:05 pm] |
I'm late, I'm late to a very important date
Fell off the wagon today.
I need structure, business, organisation and skills |
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| ice patches |
[Jan. 8th, 2009|12:39 am] |
We were watching a TV drama set in a school in which one of the characters is a gun carrying adolescent psychopath. My mum looked at me and said with genuine fondness "I'm glad you're not a violent psychopath."
It has been freezing cold here. Last night I stayed over at the house I will be moving into which is on top of a massive hill. In the night snow fell and the hill was glazed with ice. I set off for work in the morning in kitten heels and began to walk off confidently down the hill. Skiiiiid. I slid downwards. I wasn't stopping. "i'm going all the way down," I thought grimly before miraculously sliding to a halt three feet down. having learnt my lesson I moved off the ice covered cement path onto the grass and edged my way down until it ran out.
I looked out in dismay at the remainder of the hill all smooth and icy. "I don't have a hope."I thought surveying a spectre of doom. "If I move I slide. If I sldie I fall over.Also I am late for work."
Out of nowehere, stage left appears a handy man who says, "are you ok."
"No,"I respond candidly and with that he strides over to me in his sensible trainers and grabs my arm
"Not very practical" I say at my footwear
"No bu they look nice." he says supportively.
Andsupportive is the name of the game here. Like a well trained bear of a mountain rescue man he escorts me down the hill, going from a one armed to a two armed grip after I slide across a particularly glossy patch.
Only when I have thanked him and he sets off back up the hill do I realise he came down purely to save my ass.
Only a few metres on where the road to my new house meets the main road I witness another slippage. An old lady very gradually very deliberatley begins to do the splits.I gasped but someone was ahead of me and leapt to her rescue. I averted my gaze and returned it seconds late to see the old lady right as rain and her rescuer sprawled on the ground. As I laughed my bus swept by without stopping. Instant Karma. |
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| If you dance with the devil the devil don't change |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|02:17 am] |
I don't know how all this chaos descended on me. I was such an organised little girl. An excess of stimulus - an inability to prioritise and suddenly the subject is drowning. I don't know what to do. I'm torn between journalism - co-habitation - travel plans - aesthetic obsession. I want it all, and I have none of it. I'm just a fat body spread thinly ina scary situation.
The only thing I know is that doing nothing gets you nowhere. I can't stop going to work, I cna't sstop making feeble efforts in every area of my life. I can't let the dissatisfaction that faces me wherever I look define my character. I strive and know not how or why. Socialising feels like a waste of my precious time but I can't stop making plans, my runaway life is not so bad but it drives me crazy all the same. The organised little girl wants her room back and they manic adult doesn't have a clue. I'm sure I'm a fantasist. Seeming and sounding plausible is not enough. Results, concrete realities - this is the only thing that will see me right. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2008|04:12 am] |
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( Extensive rambles, only read if you're a serious fan )Started trying to read T S Eliot and got freaked out before line 10, I'm definately regressing in terms of depth I am able to digest. I don't know whether this is good or bad
On Wednesday I read an article in the Gazette about ex-alcoholics who started a support forum and thought why the hell don't I start a support forum for ed-aholics. I phoned the number in connection with the article and spoke to a lady called Libby. She made supportive noises and gave me the number of organisations that would help me if I wanted to do what I said I did. I haven't phoned them yet because I'm so buuuuuuuuuuusy (busy for me is having something to do every day, not a single opportunity to hide under your duvet)
I am writing the newsletter for a cancer charity. I started writing the into about my connection to cancer and I also began drafting the section about the professor who is doing groundbreaking research. for sure it is groundbreaking. try non-toxic post-surgery tretment. oh yes but that wasn't wednesday. wednesday as sitting in starbucks for hours guffawing intot he phone, fruit pot empty, newspapers spread.
oh more so much more
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| CHANGE HAS COME TO AMERICA |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|08:50 pm] |
So it would be remiss to have a diary and not mention what is going to be pored over in history and politics classrooms for years to come.
On the 5th November 2008 Barack Hussein Obama became President-elect of the USA. According to the Metro it was THE DAY AMERICA BECAME A LITTLE BIT COOL AGAIN. The article goes on to mention how a US journalist in Vienna was a kissed by a girl on a bus when she heard his accent.
I have been valiantly trying to hoover up every news page that has his smooth young face on it. I have been glued to the BBC. They put together a brilliant feautre last night using old footage of Martin Luther King, race riots and that fateful day in 1968. Just as you were getting dragged into the sad nostalgia there was Obama in front of a rammed Brent Park talking about "democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope" whilst tears flowed down Jesse Jackson's face and a million faces lit up with happiness. If that man can walk how he talks then this is going to be a compelling four years.
What's so awesome is that the world is partying. From street parties in France to national holidays in Kenya to a presidential shaped sandcastle in Indonesia. One of my friend's made a hundred people toast Obama, another listened to the inaugral speech lying on her Mum's bed holding her hand and crying. I - who only managed to keep my eyes open on the 4th for the results from Kentucky and Vermont - was woken on the 5th at 6am by a text decreeing 'BARACK OBAMA'S PRESIDENT. HOPE!!!'
My celebration was between 6 and 8am watching Jeremy Vine explaining about electoral colleges in front of a red and blue map and Jon Snow trying to be heard above screaming Democrats. I'll admit a little tear sprung to my eye someowhere between the stirring words of President Obama, the gawgeous Michelle hugging him and mouthing 'I love you' and the whole clan including the little 'uns holding hands as they walked - between bulletproof glass - off stage.
John McCain's concession speech was gracious, even Dubbya managed to chime in with the mood. I don't mean to sound cynical but this, my friends, must be the highest point in the cycle. Or not.
I leave you with a text that, according to Anne Applebaum of the Daily Telegraph, is doing the rounds amongst black Americans:
"Rosa sat so Martin could walk.
Martin walked so Barack could run.
Barack is running so our children can fly." |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|08:50 pm] |
People can be both good and bad but things are one or the other. I thought I needed to do bad as a mirror to my complex self.
I quit.
I wish I could rip up and burn the bad choices I made leaving behind the purest energy.
Waste hurts
I quit precociousness
I quit defensiveness
I qui nerves
I quit pretentiousness
I quit pretending
I accept that people respond the way they do for their own reasons
From here I build out of truth and good and humour and tears |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|01:41 am] |
The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read. (49)
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE, add an strikeout the books you read but didn't like.
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2008|10:53 am] |
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"Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some type of battle."
ye olde Plato
I would ammend this in light of my new discriminatory wisodom to "be kinder than necessary to everyone you like..." because why positively affirm someone who's acting like a jackass? Unless of course they're your family or in the process of bequeathing you a large fortune.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2007|01:49 am] |
Being overweight leaves me winded and unable to perform socially, which is a damn shame cause performing socially is one of the few things that gets me off. I reckon the gleeful "I've arrived" buzz that follows the smiles and laighter of a respected other, is the inevitable aftermath of being a weirdo pigtail-wearing tv-deproved child who was, quite naturally, bullied. It's funny how every cliche applies, childhood sets the mould, acceptance is my drug of choice.
Food is my stupidity. I thought that the luxury of personal indulgence could be better than a smooth passage through society. Because it IS going to be one or the other
Returning an elaborating on my opening point, I'm unable to perform socially...my clothes don't hang right, I can't move quick enough. I'm a lump. When I get fatter my face starts to resemble a bullfrog. I had my picture in the Independent once, a photographer clicked away at me outside my college, "you look like Drew Barrymore darling!" and then the article went to print and my Mum sent copies to Russia and old school teacher passed their congratulations onto me through my brother and I looked like a fucking bullfrog. Which negated everything. Femininity=defined shape=anti-fat.
I respectfully acknowledge that if you have confidence at your core, if you firmly believe that you're the bomb AND you have a well-chosen wradrobe then maybe, just maybe you can outshine, outdetermine the fat that insults your physique, but me the way I play is from the outside in. Banter. People have to be interested in how I look and act. Because I don't want anything deep from social interaction. I want o cream off the fun loving froth, I want to make more of it. These past few months have been so tedious. Life is so tedious and I'm just
My social fortune began to change from Year 8 on because that was when I became a hit with the girls. The popular girls where not what my american high school movie education has led me to believe popular girls are, they were actually aspirational: funny and clever and pretty and cool and I spent the first year of secondary school desperate to be recognised by them. What got me in was my sense of humour and my dogged willingness to do stupid stuff when called upon to do so. And it well and truly worth it. Yes I may have felt like a tit phoning up this poor 12 year old boy (who played the milky bar kid in irish adverts) abd reading out saucy passages from some literary porn but there was always pay-off, like getting to watch Seven at the age of 12 - my friends' parents were less militant about cultural consumption than my own forbears.
And that is the way forward now. I've been confused for awhile, wondering what sort of person I want to be. I experimented with "ranting intellectual" and "proud loner" but neither is going to work considering that I'm shaken everytime someone gives me a confused look. You've got to rock with what you're given with and what feels most natural and for me that is making people laugh.
I became sacrocken before because I never gave vent to anything heavier than puff of air. |
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| 2007: Nothing happened much but loose ends were tied up and seeds were planted |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|08:48 pm] |
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It’s the 22nd December and I’m sitting around in the fairy wings Dan (Pygall) got me for house Secret Santa listening to Xmas TV and hoping that when it gets to this time next year, recapping will be centred more around shared experiences with important people, I’m done floating around the glorious yet drafty mind of mine. This year, I did my duty; I acquitted myself of my degree and endured joyless, unsuitable work experience. I loved those that were close enough to love. Next year I start the real meaningful work of finding a way through this world that is soulful and loving but practical and responsible. If you saw a lot of abstract nouns in that sentence it’s because I haven’t figured out the finer details of this plan.
An interesting and concerning question for me: how do you balance between healthy self-interest [i.e. looking after yourself well] and boring self-indulgence? |
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